I wasn't spawned from a computer, just raised by one.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


New tradition, sort of like my 10 things, only not at all. I'm going to post 5 open letters at a time, sometimes there might be a theme, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say not often.

Here goes:

This weeks theme is FACE.

Well, then I guess it’s not a very good drinking game. Which would mean, when Barney and I played it last night, I didn’t get super-wasted and throw up all over myself! OH, WAIT. I did both of those things! Sooooooooooo… FACE.

Dear Bryn-Alan Hoebagel,

Thank you for telling me that if I wanted my school photo to be pretty I shouldn't smile so wide because it makes my nose look fatter. Not fat, but fatter. As if there's a certain level of nose fat that I have no control over and will have to forever contend with. Albeit true, it wasn't something that needed to be said to a 9 year old girl. Feel content in the knowledge that a decade later I still sometimes find myself staring at my nose at 3 am, checking it's width in proportion to how fully I'm smiling.

Dear Demented Old Man,

Thank you for being the first person to ask me if "I stood too close behind a cow".

for those of you not bespeckled, and unaware of this "classic" gem, it goes a lil' somethin' like this:

Me: No, Sir.

DOM: No?!

Me: shakes head

DOM: Well then, how DID you get that shit all over your face?

I locked myself in the industrial freezer, as was my custom in times of childhood angst, and cried for two hours straight. I hope my Dad broke your hip when he tossed you out.

Dear Perpetual Fox Racing T'shirt,

Thank you for calling me Yarmulke-girl in high school. Three things:

1) I'm not Jewish.

2) Only men wear yarmulkes. (Well, mostly.)

3) WTF were you getting at anyway?

I feel you were trying to be insulting, but somewhere between point A & B something went terribly, horrifically wrong. I wish no ill toward you, I feel it's already come in the form of basic cognition. Mazel Tov.

Dear Boy Who Tried to Rub My Giant Face Freckle Off,

It's not dirt, but thanks for the concern anyway. Never has something been so sweet and embarrassing at the same time.

Dear Elderly Tollbooth Operator,

Thank you for asking me where I got such a pretty smile. No. Seriously, you made my day.


  1. hahaahahahah! oh man. they're all just so funny. and while i realize 4 of them are just built off of crazy bad experiences, those situations had to happen so that people like me could laugh years down the line. word.

    i have no idea if what i just said made sense. i'm so hungry. i'm thinking salami.

  2. Hahaha. I totally laughed. It was funny. And yet, I know how certain ppl's careless remarks can hurt one. Years later you're still looking at your reflection thinking ... "WTF?"

  3. I often wonder what people are thinking to say stupid things like this. The last one is pretty sweet though.

  4. What the fuck?
    (U want me to kill them for you?)

  5. Don't you wish that you remembered the good comment more than the bad ones?! I always remember the horrible things that people say to me; never the compliments.

  6. "Never has something been so sweet and embarrassing at the same time" - haha, made me smile.

  7. This is great! Post again soon!


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