New tradition, sort of like my 10 things, only not at all. I'm going to post 5 open letters at a time, sometimes there might be a theme, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say not often.
Dear Bryn-Alan Hoebagel,
Thank you for telling me that if I wanted my school photo to be pretty I shouldn't smile so wide because it makes my nose look fatter. Not fat, but fatter. As if there's a certain level of nose fat that I have no control over and will have to forever contend with. Albeit true, it wasn't something that needed to be said to a 9 year old girl. Feel content in the knowledge that a decade later I still sometimes find myself staring at my nose at 3 am, checking it's width in proportion to how fully I'm smiling.
Dear Demented Old Man,
Thank you for being the first person to ask me if "I stood too close behind a cow".
for those of you not bespeckled, and unaware of this "classic" gem, it goes a lil' somethin' like this:
Me: No, Sir.
Me: shakes head
DOM: Well then, how DID you get that shit all over your face?
I locked myself in the industrial freezer, as was my custom in times of childhood angst, and cried for two hours straight. I hope my Dad broke your hip when he tossed you out.
Dear Perpetual Fox Racing T'shirt,
Thank you for calling me Yarmulke-girl in high school. Three things:
1) I'm not Jewish.
2) Only men wear yarmulkes. (Well, mostly.)
3) WTF were you getting at anyway?
I feel you were trying to be insulting, but somewhere between point A & B something went terribly, horrifically wrong. I wish no ill toward you, I feel it's already come in the form of basic cognition. Mazel Tov.
Dear Boy Who Tried to Rub My Giant Face Freckle Off,
It's not dirt, but thanks for the concern anyway. Never has something been so sweet and embarrassing at the same time.
Dear Elderly Tollbooth Operator,
Thank you for asking me where I got such a pretty smile. No. Seriously, you made my day.