I wasn't spawned from a computer, just raised by one.



Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dear...



New tradition, sort of like my 10 things, only not at all. I'm going to post 5 open letters at a time, sometimes there might be a theme, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say not often.

Here goes:

This weeks theme is FACE.

Well, then I guess it’s not a very good drinking game. Which would mean, when Barney and I played it last night, I didn’t get super-wasted and throw up all over myself! OH, WAIT. I did both of those things! Sooooooooooo… FACE.


Dear Bryn-Alan Hoebagel,


Thank you for telling me that if I wanted my school photo to be pretty I shouldn't smile so wide because it makes my nose look fatter. Not fat, but fatter. As if there's a certain level of nose fat that I have no control over and will have to forever contend with. Albeit true, it wasn't something that needed to be said to a 9 year old girl. Feel content in the knowledge that a decade later I still sometimes find myself staring at my nose at 3 am, checking it's width in proportion to how fully I'm smiling.



Dear Demented Old Man,


Thank you for being the first person to ask me if "I stood too close behind a cow".


for those of you not bespeckled, and unaware of this "classic" gem, it goes a lil' somethin' like this:


Me: No, Sir.

DOM: No?!

Me: shakes head

DOM: Well then, how DID you get that shit all over your face?


I locked myself in the industrial freezer, as was my custom in times of childhood angst, and cried for two hours straight. I hope my Dad broke your hip when he tossed you out.



Dear Perpetual Fox Racing T'shirt,


Thank you for calling me Yarmulke-girl in high school. Three things:


1) I'm not Jewish.


2) Only men wear yarmulkes. (Well, mostly.)


3) WTF were you getting at anyway?


I feel you were trying to be insulting, but somewhere between point A & B something went terribly, horrifically wrong. I wish no ill toward you, I feel it's already come in the form of basic cognition. Mazel Tov.



Dear Boy Who Tried to Rub My Giant Face Freckle Off,


It's not dirt, but thanks for the concern anyway. Never has something been so sweet and embarrassing at the same time.



Dear Elderly Tollbooth Operator,


Thank you for asking me where I got such a pretty smile. No. Seriously, you made my day.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

You May Call Me HOUSE! (aka. How Eli Roth Saved My B.F.F.'s Foot)


Everyone who has ever had a roommate please raise your hand? Got that, we good? Okay. Keep'em nice and high, where I can see'em. Now, everyone keep your hand up if you have had a roommate who you correctly diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria? Take a moment. Is it just me now, am I the only one? Frick yeah!



So my roommate has been having some extremely off the wall medical issues lately. Over the last few months she has bounced from one ridiculously unlikely issue to another. At one point her nose kinda sorta exploded a little bit, but as I'm sure all would agree even the slightest nose explosion is not to be taken lightly. This largely was assumed to be the result of either a spider bite, a bad reaction to my dog pulling her nose ring out, and then finally attributed to staff. She's also been bouncing from kidney infection to possible kidney stones. She also has a still seeming unrelated bad back. All very weird for a 19 year old girl. This is the point in the story where I start to gleefully refer to her as grandma in passing conversation.

Grandma, or as all the cool kids are sayin' G'ma, soon developed a new symptom: weird ass looking toes. Now G'ma's toes have alway been a bit funky (being webbed and all - I'm not joking, that's not funny, stop laughing) but they began to turn red, and then kinda brownish and then it would go away for a while, and then boom, it'd be back.

I told her, on more than one occasion, that she should get that checked. I also told her, on more than one occasion, that I was pretty sure that she had Cabin Fever* and that her feet bes' be backin' the hella up off my shiz.** She ignored me on both counts.

But guess what? Seems someone (Grandma) has cellulitis. In truth, all these weird little infections are probably related to that initial one, that never got treated correctly and has now gone into her bloodstream and is manifesting in strange and disgusting ways - like flesh eating bacteria.

Okay. So cellulitis is not technically a flesh eating bacteria, but it in fact can become one if not treated, and it is contagious through direct contact. So there. Close enough. If she had just listened to me and tried to shave her foot she would have known this forever ago.

And Mom said horror movies were useless. Pshh.

Diagnosis: Mom's are NOT always right, my opinions just may save your life, and finally, I'm awesome.

___________________________________________________________

*as in the movie, not how I felt after I beat all my video games over summer vacation every year.

**I have extremely sensitive skin, if I think you're bringing flesh eating bacteria around my biz, things are gonna get realz fast.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Resolution


I finished writing my New Year's Resolutions today. I know. Most people have already broken all theirs and I'm just getting around to mine. I never make resolutions. I did last year, but I think that was the new blogger in me, wanting an excuse to show off my Google image search skillage.

Truthfully, I've never seen the point. I'm skeptical that a specific date can pull a stand in for a life changing epiphany and cause you to change all the stuff about your life that makes you cringe. I mean, c'mon! But as George S. Patton is accused of saying:

"Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack."

Well ya got me, General.

Thursday night I couldn't be home. I got in my car and drove, I'm still not sure where I actually ended up. A 24 Hour Walgreens parking lot is all I know for certain. Then I just sat there, for hours, hurt and pissed off and wanting to hear anything but what was in my head. I woke up the next day around 4, with what I can only assume was a "life hangover".

I promptly laid in bed all day and watched reruns of Dead Like Me on Hulu. My body let me know it rejected my decision making by spitting out my left contact lens.

Perhaps the reason I reject the idea of yearly resolutions is that I have no resolution. I am neither firm nor determined. In fact, thinking about being either is liable to induce panic. Much in the same way as watching an oodle of Hulu only to realize that you ARE George*,

*For those who've never watched Dead Like Me, George (or Georgia) is the main character, a smart, yet apathetic teenage girl who doesn't realize that she never let herself experience life until after she's dead.

I guess what I'm getting at is life is way too short and I've wasted quite enough of mine anxiously worrying about failing at things I've never taken the chance to try, thank you.

So this year my biggest resolution... is to get some.*

____________________________________
UPDATE!

*Hel-lo. My New Year's Resolution is to *get some* resolve. Thanks Wendiwinn, I didn't mean for my last line to be open to so much interpretation. Or did I?**

**No. No, I did not.

_________________________________________



Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Pumpkin Goop and Other Such Related Events

The cold wind blows across the tops of the ever more soup-esque, dead pumpkins as a tumbleweed ambles by... AND SCENE!


I know what you're thinking and yes, they are still there. Even now. Like you've never wanted to see how long it would take for your holiday decorations to just do away with themselves on their own.

It's been a crazy couple months. Let's see...

  • I went to see Say Anything in St. Pete in mid-November. Where I took these crazy-awesome photos:



  • My brother and sister and their respective families came down and spent Thanksgiving at my parent's new place. We then returned the favor by going to them for Christmas.

too many nephews... too many nephews.
I spent most of Christmas shooting these little things in the chest with my Nerf rifle, but they just kept coming back!

  • Around the 5th of December I found this little guy on the side of the expressway. He now belongs to my roommate.

I named him Bug.


Let me see, hmm... there was something else... oh yeah...

  • I dropped out of school. That's right.

While I should be preparing for a new semester I instead come to you from my rolly chair, clad in my "I'm pretty fly" PJ's while periodically munching on cold, cajun rice.

I'm not saying that I won't go back, I am saying that I will not be going back to the same school. I'm going to take a couple semesters off, make some cash, do something independently and see where I land.

My current thinking may have me moving out of state to try and go to what I hope will be a better learning environment. Somewhere where I don't feel like I'm just doing the same things I did when I was a Digital Design T.A. back in high school, ya know? Kinda sorta wanted to learn things, anyway, lesson learned and I must say I feel better than I have in months, like I actually enjoy stuff or something. Weird.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. If you've read this update, thank you kindly. I didn't have internet for most of those two months, but that's fixed now so things should be returning to normal.
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