I wasn't spawned from a computer, just raised by one.



Monday, November 3, 2008

Do Raccoons Have Suicide Hotlines?


I think it would be a wise investment on behalf of the American people. The mental health of our woodland friends has obviously been on the decline, and now they are trying to take innocent drivers down with them. Where will this madness end?


This Halloween was one for the record books.

At about 2:30 pm Megan finally succeeded in convincing-slash-guilting me into going out with her and some friends. We were supposed to go to Guavaween, but that didn't pan out so well so she convinced me to go with her and a few friends to take her little sister trick or treating. Being without costume I ended up being a zombie. I highly suggest it, all you need is the makeup since zombies are usually in normal attire. I wish I had taken pictures. I was quite proud of my green blood stained mess of a face.

Let the badness begin…on the way back to Inglis I was pulled over for speeding, 93 to be exact. It was stupid. I wasn't paying attention to the speedometer and it's so easy to do in my car and blah blah blah, excuses, excuses, totally and without a doubt my fault. Now I have a mandatory court appearance at some point in the near future. You think I would take the hint that it just was not going to be my day, but nooooo.

So we went trick or treating, age be damned. I tried to forget for the moment that my mom and dad were going to kill me and that I was living on borrowed time. We dropped off Casey, Megan's little sister, went to Nikki's and then went to Chaz where we went to a bonfire-thingie, which was a lot of fun. Just a lot of chill talking (for the most part) and watching boys do stupid things like throw lighters in the fire and then try to jump over it, etc. On a side note Nikki and her boyfriend are nauseatingly adorable. :)

We left the bonfire at around 3:30 am. Megan and I were supposed to spend the night at Nikki's with another girl, but we opted to just take the drive, deciding that we would rather make the drive that night instead of in the morning when we'd be all groggy and cranky.

So there I was: driving down the Suncoast Parkway towards Tampa, Meg passed out in the back seat, just me and The Spill Canvas to keep me company. In an ironic twist of fate, and quite possibly another one of God's let's all take a good laugh at Kaylynn moments, I was listening to Sunsets and Car Crashes. Oh yeah. Maybe I'll be able to lawlz at that later. I noticed three massive raccoons standing on the side of the road. I didn't think much of their little gathering, that was until one of them looked right at me and then launched it's self full speed at my tire. I, in my infinite wisdom, swerved to try and avoid the deranged little monster in vain. Instead of going under my tire he tore up my under carriage, not that I knew this yet, that would come later when I tried to drive again and realized that I was now dragging "stuff", namely the plastic thing on the bottom that protects other "stuff". At this point I was just horrified that I had hit the thing. So choking back tears, we got out of the car and tried to look for it, swinging are cell phone's around in hopes of seeing something, I don't know what our plan was, probably try and find an animal rescue near by that could come and save it if it survived the impact.. Here's the really weird part. No raccoon. We searched for it and it was gone. We looked a good ways from the car too, thinking it may have been thrown, but their was embankments on both sides and we saw nothing. So basically it attacked my car and then….left? Super raccoon. It reminds me of Scarface, where at the end he's so coked up that he just keeps going and going and going when you know he should by all rights already be dead.

So this Halloween I got a bag of candy, a court date with the potential of having my license taken away, a broken radiator, the opportunity of watching the sun come up over the freeway while I waited for a tow truck to arrive, and nightmares about coked up raccoons wandering the streets with machine guns and fake Cuban accents.

I just can't wait for Christmas.

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